Posted June 14, 2013 by Mark Brassington in Comics

The Friday Fiver: 5 Reasons Superman Might Want To Skip Fatherhood

We’re very honoured today to be joined for this weeks Friday Fiver by Jessica Trebing of Nerdywithchildren.com:

Tonight’s the big night for Superman fans: the highly anticipated film Man of Steel has FINALLY hit theaters nationwide. This Sunday also just so happens to be Father’s Day, so that got us thinking: what kind of dad would Superman really be?
In his 70-plus year history as the iconic superhero, Superman’s storylines have never failed to incite heated debate amongst DC Comics fans. Lois or Wondy? Are glasses really an adequate disguise? Does he need sunscreen when he’s exposed to a red sun? How does he shave?

One of the more controversial topics in the Superman fanverse has been whether or not Superman is able to procreate with a human. It happens occasionally in timelines that are no longer in continuity, but even then it usually ends in a dead pregnant Lois or a child who is eventually killed by his own genetic instability.

Lois Lane's death in Injustice: Gods Among Us (2003) © DC Comics / WB

Lois Lane’s death in Injustice: Gods Among Us (2003) © DC Comics 

Even so, let’s imagine (just for fun) that Lois could manage to bring a super pregnancy to term without getting herself killed, and that Superman is now faced with the biggest challenge of his life: being a dad to a human baby. All the human dads out there have wished at least once that they had superpowers, but would they really help?
Here are five of Superman’s abilities that may actually make parenting harder.

5. Super Hearing

Aquaman (Vol 5) © DC Comics

Aquaman (Vol 5) © DC Comics

While having super hearing that could selectively pick up sounds from other planets may seem like an ideal ability for raising children, Superman would probably curse it under his breath as soon as he brought the super baby back from the hospital. Who knew such a tiny thing could be so loud? As soon as Supes’s brand new unavoidable parental instincts kick in, all of the noises coming from the crib will be all he hears from now on. Also, if I were Lois, it would be Clark’s turn to get the baby every time; he never gets tired and wouldn’t even need a baby monitor.

4. Invulnerability

Spoiler: he's not really dead.  © DC Comics

Spoiler: he’s not really dead. © DC Comics

One of the biggest struggles of being human is getting older and facing our mortality. Unfortunately for Supes Jr., Superman will never understand how this feels. Jr. will grow old and saggy, but his dad will always be intimidatingly young and attractive. While this will be tough on Jr., it will be even harder on Superman, because he will have to carry on long after his family is gone.

3. Super Memory

Math nerds, what's wrong here? © DC Comics

Math nerds, what’s wrong here? © DC Comics

The best human dads have an incredible knack to remember everything you’ve ever done to make them proud while forgetting everything you’ve done to make them mad. Superman, however, will definitely remember that his kid got him the same tie for Father’s Day last year and that there weren’t any Oreos left in the cupboard that one time he really wanted one.

2. X-Ray Vision

© DC Comics

© DC Comics

All kids reach an age where a certain amount of privacy is essential to the maintenance of domestic peace. Think back to your youthful shenanigans and tell me whether or not parents with X-ray vision would be a good thing.

1. Super Smell

All-Star Superman #1 (2006) © DC Comics

All-Star Superman #1 (2006) © DC Comics

If you’re a parent, you’ve definitely smelled things you can never unsmell. Imagine how much worse that would be for someone with unfathomable olfactory abilities.
We love Superman because even though he always saves the day using impossible abilities, he shows us what it means to be human. Flying around the Earth to travel back in time? Easy. Dealing with lots of poop, loose teeth and the heartbreak of watching a kid grow up? Infinitely harder.

Written by Mark Brassington

Mark Brassington

Born and raised in London he now lives with his wife and daughter in Buckinghamshire, while working in the world of Commercial Banking. Having been a fan of almost everything geeky since birth it wasn’t until 14 years old that he walked into his first comic book shop and has been a fan of mainstream and independent comics ever since. He also is a big lover of American television, rock and indie music, while in his spare time he is busy writing and editing.